I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
