At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize