There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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