If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
