I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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