I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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