Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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