I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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