The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We need to rekindle our bromance
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
