went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So much Jack, so little girl.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
