I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
