At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
