I am puke
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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