Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
