im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
