i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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