The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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