He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
