Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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