When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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