Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
