im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
