I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
