Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
