my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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