i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
