Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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