Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
