so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
