if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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