Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
