Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
