i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
