Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
