Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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