6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
