I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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