What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
