I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
