dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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