Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Randomize
