I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
