hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
