I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
