my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
