i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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