Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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