Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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