I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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