I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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