Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
