My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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