I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize