i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
