I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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