He passed out mid-signature
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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