return my video game
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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